kithfandomcom-20200214-history
Salty Ham
Characters *Fran played by Scott Thompson *Gordon played by Bruce McCulloch Script Scott and Bruce are in a bedroom in the middle of the night. Bruce is up drinking out of a pitcher. Scott rolls over after hearing Bruce burp and turns on the light. Scott: Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o' clock in the morning. Bruce: It's that salty bloody ham! Scott: The ham we had at dinner? Bruce: Yes! Was there another ham? Scott: You didn't like it... Bruce: No, I didn't like the ham, dear; it was a little bit salty, thanks. Scott: Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down. Bruce: I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine! Scott: I don't know what could have gone wrong... Bruce: Well *something* did! Scott: I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice 6 pound Virginia ham. Bruce: Did you drop it in *salt* on the way home, perhaps? Scott: No, I basted it with a mustard glaze, then I put maraschino cherry and pineapple spears in it and popped it in a 350 degree oven for....2 hours. Bruce: A man my age shouldn't be up *all* night looking for Gatorade streams in the backyard! Scott: Let's be fair to the ham, dear. Ham is a salty food. It's not like porridge, or toast, or a pear. Bruce: I know that *ham* isn't porridge, or toast, or a pear. Jesus Christ! What do I expect from you? You come from a long line of horrible cooks. Your old lady's a horrible cook! looks shocked. Bruce: Oh, admit it! Everything with her is so bland, I could puke! She would boil a Pop-Tart, where as you--you would salt fish from the Dead Sea! Scott: Oh, go on. goes and looks in the mirror. He pulls his pajamas back a little and indicates his left side. Bruce: You know what's gonna happen to me? I'm gonna get a big pussy boil right on my neck! Is that what you want in bed with you? A big pus boil shooting salt over your good bed linens. Scott: Yeah! goes back over to the bed. Bruce: Christ! I work hard all day, I expect a normal ham meal, not, not--Voodoo pork! sits down. Bruce: You know what this reminds me of, don't you? Scott: I hate to guess. Bruce: The mushroom pork incident. Scott: Oh! When will you ever let me live that one down? Bruce: Who but you would screw up something as simple as a pork chop? Smother it in mushroom sauce. Every-- Scott: It was gravy! Bruce: It was horrid! Scott: And besides that was a long time ago. Dreamy That was when we lived in the blue house, remember? Bruce: I see a pattern developing. up I'm banishing pork! Scott: What? Bruce: I've made a decision to banish park. It's not coming in through that *door*; it's not coming in through that *window*; your rock star son isn't bringing it home in his fag hair. Scott: You watch your-- Bruce: As of today, we are a pork-free household. *I* have spoken! gets in bed. Scott: Well, I guess there's no point in me making you ham sandwiches for your lunch tomorrow. Bruce: No honey, no point whatsoever. Scott: Fine, you'll jsut have to eat in the cafeteria then. See how you like that, it's *ham* Tuesday. Bruce: Great! Scott: Well you seem to know so much about cooking, Gordon, why don't you *do* all the cooking around here? Bruce: Why don't you shut up around here? Scott: No, no, no, no, no. We'll knock a hole in the ceiling, drag the BBQ in, tattoo an apron to your chest, you can cook to your heart's content. Bruce: Shut up! Scott: It just gets my goat! You wake me up in the middle of a lovely dream about Berry Gordy taking me to the Grammys-- Bruce: Shut up! Scott: --to harangue me about some stupid ham. Bruce: I think it was a little salty. Scott: I don't think it's fair, Gordon. I do everything in my power to be a good wife to you. I fold sheets and pillow cases, I shoo the kids out of that precious garden of yours. Bruce: Shut up! Scott: I do everything in my power short of greeting you at the door in Saran wrap. Bruce: Oh shut up about that stuff! Scott: And for what? For *nothing*! For once in our marriage I would just like to have the last-- Bruce: SHUT UP! Scott: --word! rolls over and lies down. Bruce just sits there for a few seconds, staring into space. Bruce: I am tired; I am salty; I require *silence*. sighs and then looks at Scott. He pats Scott's waist. Bruce: Ahh, you old soldier. starts to rub Scott's arm. Scott takes his hand. Bruce: Uh, listen, mother...is there any more of that nice dessert left? Scott: quietly you can barely hear it. Jello 1 2 3? Bruce: What's that? Scott: The Jello 1 2 3? Bruce: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go get myself a little bit of that. gets up and puts his robe on. Scott: Well there's a little bit left in the fridge, but be on your guard, it's beside the ham. Might have been some salt transfer. burps and walks out. picks up the telephone and calls someone. Scott: Hello Barbara? It's Fran calling. Sorry to wake you so late, dear, but I was just wondering if you knew how to cook a whole pig. You tried what? Swedish meatballs tartare? How'd it go over with the family, dear? I see. Well if you need a place to stay... Category:Season 1 Category:Sketches